Photograph: Courtesy of Hugh Mulcahy
Linesman: None
Belmont Under 9’s football team cruised to their third straight win with a classy and well-taken away victory against Parkvale FC Saturday last. The match, played in Rockbrook school on a billiard-table smooth pitch, really allowed the Belmont players to demonstrate their progress in training over the past weeks. Meanwhile, in a separate development, manager Boggan has introduced tough new fiscal measures in an attempt to reduce the Belmont budget defecit. “One of my first actions is to allow only a single photograph to be taken at each match to save camera batteries” he said. “I have a cheap graphics package and I’ll touch up the photo so that viewers think we have loads of them. I’ll discuss other proposals later in this article”.
Managers Boggan and Mulcahy started with Cuddy in goal, Cloonan and Sheahan in defence, Yarr, Mulcahy and Boggan in midfield and Sherwin up front. The match began, as it so often does, with the referee blowing his whistle and the Belmont players immediately sprang into action. The Belmont midfield harried Parkvale and generally made a nuisance of themselves all over the pitch, stringing some fine passes together and often finding Sherwin up front. As early as the fourth minute, a stinging shot from Sherwin was deflected around the bar only for Mulcahy to whip in a fine low corner which ricocheted off a hapless Parkvale defender into the net for their first goal (Editor’s note: These are footy supporters, not classical scholars. For “ricocheted” please read “bounced”). Goal two was not far behind with a fine cross from Mulcahy finding Sherwin in the box who slammed home from 4 metres. Two nil on 7 minutes and Belmont apparently coasting. But no, this is a different team from last year and Belmont upped a 
gear to apply more pressure (Ed note: surely a mixed metaphor?). On 10 minutes Belmont scored what may be their goal of the season with a four-man demonstration of one touch passing to leave the Parkvale crowd stunned. Yarr’s initial pass from right wing to Mulcahy in centre was sublime (Ed: for “sublime” read “magic”). Mulcahy looked up, saw Boggan in space on the right and immediately cut the defence in two with his pass. From Boggan, a beautifully stroked cross between two flailing Parkvale defenders and it was left for Sherwin to slam the ball into the net “a la Drogba”. Meanwhile, the defence of Cuddy, Sheehan and Cloonan lazed on the soft turf listening to their I-Pods. The fourth goal came from the penalty spot after a Parkvale foul and Yarr, Like a buzzing yellow and blue wasp, stepped up to the spot to convert into the top corner. Four-nil with more to come. The final goal of the half came on 15 minutes, again a thrilling run and shot from Yarr that left the Parkvale goalie with no chance. This signalled the introduction of able replacements in the form of O’Brien, Dempsey, Dowling, O’Sullivan and Booth to add further fuel to the Belmont fire (Ed: Nice one!). All looked well capable of beating their man and scoring so that competition will be hot all year for starting places. And so it ended: Half time and 5-0.
gear to apply more pressure (Ed note: surely a mixed metaphor?). On 10 minutes Belmont scored what may be their goal of the season with a four-man demonstration of one touch passing to leave the Parkvale crowd stunned. Yarr’s initial pass from right wing to Mulcahy in centre was sublime (Ed: for “sublime” read “magic”). Mulcahy looked up, saw Boggan in space on the right and immediately cut the defence in two with his pass. From Boggan, a beautifully stroked cross between two flailing Parkvale defenders and it was left for Sherwin to slam the ball into the net “a la Drogba”. Meanwhile, the defence of Cuddy, Sheehan and Cloonan lazed on the soft turf listening to their I-Pods. The fourth goal came from the penalty spot after a Parkvale foul and Yarr, Like a buzzing yellow and blue wasp, stepped up to the spot to convert into the top corner. Four-nil with more to come. The final goal of the half came on 15 minutes, again a thrilling run and shot from Yarr that left the Parkvale goalie with no chance. This signalled the introduction of able replacements in the form of O’Brien, Dempsey, Dowling, O’Sullivan and Booth to add further fuel to the Belmont fire (Ed: Nice one!). All looked well capable of beating their man and scoring so that competition will be hot all year for starting places. And so it ended: Half time and 5-0.
It was early in the second half that the wheels came off and good ship Belmont began to sink (Ed: Surely another appalling mixed metaphor??). Managers Boggan and Mulcahy had tinkered with
the team so much that everyone was playing out of position (see diagram right). Three goals from Parkvale in quick succession reduced their deficit to two and it was only stout defending from Dowling and O’Brien allied to fierce midfield play from O’Sullivan and Dempsey that more goals were not scored against them. The final Belmont goal of the match was also a stunner. A through ball from midfield reached Booth who calmly sidestepped the last defender before stylishly sliding the ball into goal with the outside of his left foot. And the match ended as it had begun, with a cheeky peep-peep of the ref’s whistle.
“This team just gets better and better each week” said manager Hugh Mulcahy after the game, “if they continue to perform like this, Liam Boggan and I will really begin to believe that our managerial skills are not as appalling as everyone says they are”. More worryingly, in a post-match interview, manager Boggan revealed measures aimed at fiscal rectitude. “On the plus side, I’m going to reduce player fees from €200 to €188 per year. We really want to encourage all prospective parents to send their children to Belmont FC and to remember to pay their fees, so I want a number that everyone will recognise. I thought poor Sean Fitzpatrick’s monthly income would be instantly recognisable and a reasonable base rate for our subscription. Most people are familiar and comfortable with this kind of figure and, anyway, only a few Belmont members could afford to pay other well known figures such as €30,000,000,000”. However, on the minus side, Boggan is also thought to be in favour of swinging budget cuts such as short-sleeved jerseys, unlined pitches, playing matches without a ball and putting the Herbert Park pitch and changing facilities into NAMA.
Posts
