The Famous Five: A stirring football story by your special correspondent, Enid Blyton

Granada 0 – Belmont 5 (HT 0-2)

Forget Julian, Dick, Georgina, Anne and Timmy the dog. This was a five goal adventure with Conor, Marcus, Jack and Brian scoring the goals, but with a first class cast in defence and midfield that laid the platform for the glory-boys to shine. Such was the quality on the pitch that even the managers (played by Uncle Quentin and Aunt Fanny) emerged from the match without too much ignominy. But as in all good adventure stories, there were many puzzles to be solved before the final chapter saw our heroes emerge victorious. Where had Brian Cuddy disappeared to? Who was that mysterious boy in a number 3 yellow Belmont jersey and what was the source of that strange loud ticking noise in the Belmont kitbag?

“Brian Cuddy missing? That’s strange” you say with fear and awe. Missing indeed as the Belmont team took the pitch with a 2-3-1 starting lineup as published but with Jack Fahy, Belmont’s latest signing in the number 3 shirt, replacing Cuddy who appeared to have either vanished or not arrived at all! This mystery was soon solved when Cuddy’s parents arrived breathless and apologetic but very, very late! A disciplinary hearing has been set for Tuesday afternoon in the ruined castle on Kirin Island to hear the Cuddy’s official excuse, but you can expect sentencing to be severe.

From the kick-off it was clear that Belmont were in attack mode with Fahy, the lone striker, frequently joined by McNulty, Booth and Cloonan from midfield. This midfield has both flair and pace and Belmont might have scored as early as the second minute but for some fine Granada defence and a couple of wayward final touches. Such was Belmont’s dominance in the opening chapter that Boggan had little or nothing to do in goal while Mulcahy and Sheehan often found themselves pushing up to the half way line to support what appeared to be four strikers up front. It was only a matter of time before the opener came, and less than a minute after Cuddy and Dempsey arrived on the pitch it duly happened. A couple of fine touches in midfield saw the ball reach Booth in space and a neat turn and flick of the ball found it in the back of the Granada net in the 12th minute. Worse was to come for Granada as concerted Belmont pressure led to a mix up in the Granada defence and an unfortunate own goal four minutes later. It was therefore a relaxed Belmont team that sat down to a half time picnic of lettuce, organic egg and country ham sandwiches, home-made strawberry pie with clotted cream and lashings of ginger pop!

Notwithstanding the half time feast, there was much muttering from disgruntled supporters as a dramatically changed team emerged for the second half. It was now Mulcahy in goal, Dempsey a lone defender, McNulty, Cuddy and Sheehan in midfield and Fahy and Boggan in attack. Why, oh why, do managers feel the need to tinker so much with winning teams? Indeed, if there are any villains in this yarn, it is surely the Belmont managers who changed the standard setup to a 1-3-2 without so much as consulting the players, parents or even supporters. But enough backbiting, lets return to the game.

As in the first half, the Belmont goalkeeper and defence had little to occupy their time and all the action was to be found in the Granada half. A neat through ball in the 24th minute allowed Boggan to rifle home from 15 metres while a wonderful jinking run and shot from Fahy shortly afterwards sent the Granada keeper the wrong way for Belmont’s fourth. Finally, the famous five was achieved after a fine Cuddy strike in the 37th minute left Granada’s defence stranded and the Belmont players ecstatic. This well taken goal has clearly freed Cuddy junior from any further disciplinary action next week and one can expect that the full brunt of the punishment will be taken by his tardy and errant parents.

And at the final whistle, the opposition dispatched, Belmont managers conceited and smug, supporters happy and players contented with a job well done. There was much laughter and merriment, before a little voice piped up “But what IS that strange loud ticking coming from Manager Boggans kitbag?” “Ha! Ha! Ha!” chuckled Boggan “That’s only my battery driven stock-brokers ticker tape machine telling me that the Irish stock market has plummeted another 20%!”. How we all laughed! Even Timmy the dog wagged his tail in delight! Goodbye Belmont soccer team. Goodbye arrogant managers. Goodbye loyal supporters.